Dr. Ling Dinse tells her students she is not a nice professor, but she is kind.
I recently met Dr. Ling Dinse, the chair of the Department of Social Work at Messiah University. Ling gave a presentation called “Mental Health and Youth.”
At the beginning of each semester, she says this to her students: “I am going to be kind to you for your flourishing. That means I may say things you don’t like.”
Ling explains that when she says she is not nice, she means that she will not say positive things about someone to flatter them or make them like her more. Her aim is their flourishing, so if that means saying hard things to them she will do so, even if it means the student will not like her as much.
Gen Z
This is an important aspect of communication for everyone, but in some ways, it needs to be emphasized more for people working with Generation Z. Gen Z is by every known statistic the most anxious generation in the past 100 years. Sometimes coaches, teachers, and counselors shy away from saying hard things to our young people in fear that they will take it too hard. This, however, does not ultimately lead to their flourishing. It may score the teacher or coach some short-term popularity points, but is not helpful for the young person.
Radical Candor
If you have never met Ling, this description does not give you a clear picture of her personality. These words come from someone who oozes with love, humility, and gentleness. Her short interview here gives you a glimpse into her personality and story.
Ling is a great picture of what Kim Scott calls Radical Candor, the idea that it is possible to care personally and challenge directly at the same time. It is different than brutal honesty, because it involves a deep care for the individual.
Preparing Yourself To Say Hard Things
What became abundantly clear to me as I listened to Ling is the importance of having our own strong support systems. If we don’t have this strong foundation, we will be nice to people, but not kind. We will, in the most subtle ways, use our interactions with clients to bolster our self-esteem, lavishing them with only compliments and never hard truths, in hopes that these compliments will be reciprocated to meet our unmet desires to belong and be loved.
Everyone who interacts with other human beings as part of their job needs to be reminded of this reality, and this is especially true for coaches, teachers, or counselors.
If we don’t work through our insecurities on our own time, we will look for security in the people we work with.
If we don’t find peers, mentors, and counselors to show us our value on our own time, we will look for value from the people we work with.
If we don’t have a support system that affirms and loves us, we will look to the people we work with for love and affirmation.
If we bring these unmet needs to our interactions with our clients, it will have a negative effect on everyone involved. If we, however, can take the time to strengthen ourselves in communities of love and support, then we will have the spine to leave our unmet needs at the door and care for our clients with the words they need to hear. And with love, humility, and gentleness we can say both good and hard things to the people who need to hear it.
Thank you, Ling, for reminding us how we can be kind.
